I found it very hard for me to keep my cool with Ronin today. I have some lessons to learn and things to ruminate about. Ronin has a tendency to run around with his sippy cup of juice or "ricey milk" if I let him. I have this rule about eating only in the kitchen, and even Nikko doesn't take his cup to the living room, but maybe I let Ronin do it to placate his temper. Well, I was in the bathroom with Audrey over the sink washing her poopy butt when Ronin came in with his sippy cup. I told him no ricey milk in the bathroom, GO, GET OUT. He just looked at me and continued slurping. I kept telling him to GO, GET OUT, NO DRINKING IN THE BATHROOM. He would just look at me and step even closer to the toilet. I kept getting frustrated with him, and extremely exasperated. Basically I was losing my temper. I finished with Audrey and was trying to sternly tell Ronin not to drink in the bathroom. Later, after lunch, Ronin had again walked off with his ricey milk. I saw him toddling around, but minutes later I saw him empty-handed. I was trying to get all our gear together to go to mom's house and I didn't want to lose that sippy cup by finding it under the couch a month later with icky milk in it. I told Ronin to go get his ricey milk. He looked at me blankly. I told him to go find his ricey milk. He looked around in some bins, but just didn't know what I was asking him to do. I kept badgering him in a loud voice, telling him he'd better help me find it or I'd be really mad, he couldn't have any more ricey milk, etc. etc. and I think I sounded pretty nuts talking to a 1 year old like that. I think I worked myself into a frenzy trying to find that cup and was getting mad at Ronin in the process. WHY couldn't he find his sippy cup? WHY couldn't he remember where he put it? WHY was he always disobeying me and refusing to listen to me? What did I do wrong, what was I doing wrong, and am I being such a bad mother because I can't get my 1 year old to listen to my commands??? I sat on the floor in a sad, pathetic heap, looking at my son that wouldn't listen to me. Nikko came up to me, looking worried, probably thinking I was mad and yelling at him, too. I reassured him that I wasn't mad at him and gave him hugs. Later I was recounting this story to mom and Chinny and I must have sounded really crazy. No, I shouldn't expect a 1 year old to understand what I'm saying, or to follow me, or to even remember where he put his ricey milk. His attention span is very short, and his memory is probably shorter. He probably was just curiously amused while he watched me scream and rant over the lost ricey milk or when I was trying to kick him out of the bathroom.
My worry is that if I let Ronin go along and not reprimand him for things, he will grow up spoiled or selfish. Mom said I could teach him by being stern with a look, and that was good to hear because I know that I already administer withering looks (at least I try to make them withering), or rather, stern looks, and a pointed finger to direct action. She said that I shouldn't feel bad because he already knows that he shouldn't be doing something when I give him The Look. He IS learning, but he's testing me. GREEEAAAAAT. I mentioned that I should probably take some kind of lessons in anger management since it runs in the family. Mom scoffed and said it didn't. Chinny and I looked at each other and agreed that it DID. LOL!
Seriously, I think I should look into anger management for myself. I just bought a book on choosing to be happy, a self-help book recommended by the author of one of the autism books I like (Jonathan Levy), so I'll start reading it and see if it will work. I already try to be happy, but as I mentioned before or in Nikko's blog, there is just an Anxious Bubble that keeps rising when things get dicey, and it makes me hyper, irritable and annoyed. I've got to learn how to control this.